From Passion to PhD: My Personal Graduate School Journey
By: Dr. Deborah Tollefsen - Vice Provost and Dean of the UofM Graduate School
Next week (April 2, 2025) I will host our This is part of our Mastering Graduate School Series. One of my favorite parts of this job is meeting potential graduate students and
talking with them about their academic goals. I always begin this event by sharing
my own graduate school journey because I often am asked 鈥淗ow did you know graduate
school was right for you?鈥�
Everyone鈥檚 journey is unique. Here鈥檚 mine:
I grew up in a small town on the coast of Massachusetts. I am the youngest of six children. My parents were civil servants-my mother was the town clerk, and my father was superintendent of our town鈥檚 school district. Attending college was expected of me. But at 18, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn鈥檛 a particularly good student, uninspired by most topics I encountered in high school, focused more on the life of the body than the mind, if you know what I mean. I recall a high school history teacher telling me, after asking him to write me a letter of recommendation, that college may not be for me. 鈥淵ou might want to consider secretarial school,鈥� he suggested.
Despite what I am sure were lackluster letters of recommendation, I was fortunate
to be able to attend a small college in New Hampshire called (affectionately called St. A鈥檚). I enrolled as a business major. St. A鈥檚 had a robust
humanities program that required all freshman and sophomore students to attend weekly
lectures and small seminars where texts and lectures were discussed. One of the texts
we read that first semester was. I remember reading the whole thing in one sitting, sprawled out on the floor of
the library, LL bean boots kicked off, chewing the cuff of my Champion sweatshirt
(standard 80鈥檚 college wear), thinking 鈥淲hy am I just finding out about this dude
now?鈥� For those who may not have had the pleasure, the Apology is a fictional account of the trial of Socrates, an Athenian recluse who spent his
days challenging people to define concepts like justice, knowledge, love, and virtue.
Socrates was charged with 
impiety and corrupting the youth. A jury of his peers found him guilty, and he was
sentenced to death.
I can鈥檛 really explain why I was so gripped by this text. The experience, the best I can describe it, was of being "pleasurably confused." Healthcare providers sometimes use this phrase to describe a patient who is experiencing difficulties with memory, understanding, or orientation, but who remains calm. In my case, the lack of understanding was the source of the pleasure. Figuring out what Socrates meant was an intriguing puzzle. I had a desire to understand. I wasn鈥檛 calm. I was delighted, enraptured.
One of my favorite campus novels is a book called . It tells the story of William Stoner, who left his family鈥檚 farm to go to college to study agriculture but was unexpectedly drawn to literature. It throws him into an existential crisis. There is an extraordinary scene with his English instructor Archer Sloan that I think of when I try to describe my own experience.
鈥淵ou have an excellent undergraduate record. Except for your鈥� 鈥� he lifted his eyebrows and smiled 鈥� 鈥渆xcept for your sophomore survey of English literature, you have all A鈥檚 in your English courses; nothing below a B elsewhere. If you could maintain yourself for a year or so beyond graduation, you could, I鈥檓 sure, successfully complete the work for your Master of Arts; after which you would probably be able to teach while you worked toward your doctorate. If that sort of thing would interest you at all.鈥�
Stoner drew back. 鈥淲hat do you mean?鈥� he asked and heard something like fear in his voice.
Sloane leaned forward until his face was close; Stoner saw the lines on the long thin face soften, and he heard the dry mocking voice become gentle and unprotected.
鈥淏ut don鈥檛 you know, Mr. Stoner?鈥� Sloane asked. 鈥淒on't you understand about yourself yet? You鈥檙e going to be a teacher.鈥�
Suddenly Sloane seemed very distant, and the walls of the office receded. Stoner felt himself suspended in the wide air, and he heard his voice ask, 鈥淎re you sure?鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 sure,鈥� Sloane said softly.
鈥淗ow can you tell? How can you be sure?鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 love, Mr. Stoner,鈥� Sloane said cheerfully. 鈥淵ou are in love. It鈥檚 as simple
as that.鈥�
And so it was with me. I fell in love. I became a philosophy major. For the first
time in my life, I raised my hand
and contributed to a classroom discussion. Almost overnight I went from being an
apathetic student to a focused, engaged, and studious one. This isn鈥檛 to say that
I gave up the life of the body altogether. In fact, I fell in love with a fellow philosophy
student. By the end of my undergraduate career, I knew only two things: I wanted to
continue to study philosophy, and I wanted to do it with him by my side.
Graduate school is expensive. My parents had paid for my undergraduate degree. They would not be supporting my graduate education. Obtaining a graduate assistantship was the only way I was going to be able to go to graduate school. At the time, the GRE was still required for most graduate programs. I took it in the fall of my senior year and did very poorly. I was rejected by every graduate program to which I applied.
Heartbroken but determined, I decided I would work for a year. I took a graduate course at hoping that if I showed schools my ability to succeed in a graduate level course that would offset lower GRE scores. I also focused my applications on master鈥檚 programs rather than PhD programs. It worked. I was accepted to a few master鈥檚 programs with modest funding. My husband, too, applied and was successful. We would take out loans to make ends meet.
We were married in the summer of 1993 and headed to the that August to study together. After I finished my master鈥檚 degree, I went to The for my PhD, on a graduate assistantship. My husband decided he was done with philosophy after his master鈥檚 course work and got a job in the supply chain industry (and he uses his philosophical training everyday鈥攃ritical thinking, analytic problem solving, persuasive and effective communication).
Right after I passed my comprehensive exams, I became pregnant with my first child. Most of my graduate seminars were in the late afternoons and I taught night courses so that I could be with my son during the day. My husband took over in the afternoon when he got home from work. I researched and wrote my dissertation proposal while my son napped. About 18 months later, I had a draft of a dissertation, was on the job market, and was pregnant again. My daughter was the final motivation I needed to wrap things up. I remember waking up in the hospital the morning after her birth and working through final edits before I submitted the final draft to my committee.
I spent 9 years in graduate school. It was a challenging journey. My husband and I
worked various jobs during our master鈥檚 degree, lived on beans and rice, went without
health insurance, and took on debt. My first year in the PhD program was the most
difficult. I was crippled by self-doubt and a lack of confidence and went through
a profound period of depression. If it weren鈥檛 for my husband, a forgiving professor,
and some wonderful friends, I would have never finished my degree. Later, there were
the inevitable challenges of trying to have both a career and family. There were many
times when I felt either like a bad mother or a bad philosopher and sometimes both.
My husband sacrificed opportunities to make a move in his career to support me in
my pursuit of the PhD. We were both, at times, divided, stretched, and exhausted.
My journey was also incredibly privileged. I was fortunate to have parents able to
send me to St. Anselm college, encouraging professors, a supportive husband, friends
that kept me sane, family that offered a safety net, affordable housing and childcare,
and eventually the health insurance provided by my husband鈥檚 work.
I share an abbreviated version of this story with potential students. In telling this story, I hope they
take away the following:
- My journey started with a passion, and it was that passion that kept me going during the difficult times. There are lots of reasons to pursue graduate school. Whatever your reason, make sure the topic you are pursing is something for which you are passionate. This will help you through the challenges.
- Make sure you carefully consider the cost of pursuing a graduate degree. I was paying off loans for a decade after I had finished my degree, and I did not start saving for retirement until I was 32.
- Make sure you have support鈥攆riends, family, mentors. These are the people that are going to provide you with the encouragement to keep pursuing your academic goals and will help you to maintain a balance between career and family.
- If you suffer from depression while a graduate student (or at any time in your life), get professional help. The (877-GRAD-HLP) is staffed by trained counselors who understand the pressures graduate student鈥檚 face. Your campus will also have resources.
Published: March 28, 2025